Getting it Wrong, Week 9 Blog Post in the Time of Coronavirus

We’re all amateurs. This pandemic is unprecedented. We’re figuring this out as we go along, eschewing old coping mechanisms that have a middling impact in this highly intense period. I have tried to get through the past eight weeks by soldiering on. It has not helped me other than to maintain a low level of emotional denial. But exhaustion has taken over, with an insistence that I pay closer attention to what I’m experiencing.

I’ve been jumping from one coping tool to another. I work hard to calm myself, with spotty success. Yesterday, Mother’s Day, I was so, so sad. A colleague had mentioned how hard it was not to be able to visit her children and grandchildren. I thought of how complicated Mother’s Day is for so many. And, even more so this year. I’ve heard what a relief it was for some that they couldn’t travel to see toxic relatives. Yet still others who have complicated familial relationships in quarantine, and out in the world, had to endure sentiments they don’t share. Yesterday was not easy for them. People movingly imparted their blessings on social media. There was a lot of love out there yesterday. While many had Zoom celebrations across the globe. I, like countless others, was feeling the doubling down on losses of parents, grieving as if for the first time. Sobbing while watching a Broadway Cares fundraiser. I wasn’t sure of the root of my sadness, but I was so blue, and I gave myself the space to cry. It’s no secret that living through this pandemic is hard.

In the past I worked diligently to be the expert, to use my own life experience, and all that I gleaned from continuing education to facilitate the work my clients did in the treatment room. Now, that treatment takes place in two rooms, my office and their homes. And rather than being one step ahead, we are side by side. Together we’re living through the hardships endemic of a world fraught with Covid-19.

On paper it looks like I am prepared to take on a heavy caseload, impart knowledge, and live a productive life on my time off. Not so. Reality outplays theory. As a professional psychotherapist, I have training in crisis counseling, mindfulness, relational therapy, and other modalities. For the most part my education assumed that therapists could view situations from a window outside a crisis. Or, we understood the ebbs and flows of grief and trauma. But as I live through this simultaneously with my clients, I am acutely aware of the shared pain. Conversely, I am also cognizant each of us experiences the pandemic in our own way. Sometimes we feel lonely since we can’t rely on our supports, because they, too, are going through their own personal sorrows.

So, let’s make a lot of room for getting this wrong. I will be working on being more forgiving to myself and others. I don’t know that I’ll do it well since I seem to lack the wherewithal to stay in a magnanimous place for long periods of time. But when I find those pockets, and there are pockets, I will ease up. This is one of the hardest educational experiences. I’m certain I won’t get an A. But since I’m still learning this along with the rest of us, I will do my best, and that will just have to be good enough. We are in unchartered territory. Getting lost is to be expected. Finding ourselves will provide treasured moments as we muddle through.

Self-Help Tips

· Cry. Find music, a commercial or a show that will help you cry. Crying is a great release.

· Move slowly. We’re used to rushing, but moving slowly helps us connect to our bodies in a caring way

· Rediscover art, books, crafts or anything creative in your home. I easily forget to really look at the paintings in my home and office, but when I see them anew, it’s delightful.

· Talk out loud. Whether you record it, speak to someone else, or just say your thoughts aloud, it helps to hear them rather than keeping them stuck in our minds