Ambivalence With Mindfulness
We keep hearing how mindfulness is the way to go. It brings us back to the now. But I’m not loving the now so much. This is my struggle to use mindfulness techniques with my tendency to deny what I don’t like.
I have started this blog twice this weekend already. I was feeling grateful that Larry learned how to shuck oysters and we could enjoy them now at home. I was grateful that I have a comfortable bed for a much needed, yet rare, nap in the afternoon. I was grateful for all the workers who make life bearable during the Coronavirus. It felt so good to then be open to the writing process. After one paragraph I stopped. There were work issues, home chores, and unanswered texts and calls to make. I got busy. The business kept me from enjoying my bounty. It took me far away from blissful gratitude.
The weekend continued. And, I continued to do my meditations, mindful-ish walks, stretching, taking photographs, or making tentative plans with Alex and Larry. I found comfort in each, at the time. But then my mind would whirl with have-to’s and shouldn’ts. My brain was spinning with all the things I want to change as soon as I can get to them. The apartment, though small, harkens with projects to be done. The bathroom ceiling is caving in from a leak that’s been “fixed” numerous times over the years. We don’t want someone to come into our space, but we don’t want the ceiling to fall on us either. Lucy, a joy, needs daily walks. Once out it’s a pleasure to go at her sniffy pace, but I get annoyed that I have to take her out in the middle of some project or other. Fixating on these and other moments seems like the opposite of mindfulness.
Sheryl Crow Sings, “It’s not having what you want, it’s wanting what you got.” Great sentiment, but really? Yes, I have enjoyed having less to do so I can recover from the stresses of living and working in a pandemic. Yes, it’s nice to appreciate some quality time with Larry and Alex. Though, the reality is that we are usually in our own corners of the apartment during our waking hours. Most of the time, however, I’m not enjoying this moment. Most of the time I’m not thrilled with my impatience, ire, sadness, or existential loneliness. Most of the time it’s not quality time, it’s enduring this phase, getting through it.
Nonetheless. I will continue to practice mindfulness. I will practice eating slower and enjoying the experience. A practice that I often forget to employ. I will continue to meditate, often enjoying the idea of it, if not the actual practice of meditation. I will work on walking mindfully, even if that means I experience righteous indignation at those who fail to wear a mask or move away so we can safely pass. I had imagined that mindfulness was a way to a more joyful life. A promise to erase fear, grief, loss, anger, and other uncomfortable feelings. But during the time of the Coronavirus, I see that it is simply a time to be. I actually feel uncomfortable feelings more, not less. And, if I’m telling the truth, I’m not completely grateful for all these difficult emotions. But here I am, my ambivalent self, like the rest of us, sheltering in place in this moment in history.
Self-Care Tips
· Draw or Paint. If you enjoy it, great. If not, see if you can remember being a child, & draw or paint with abandon, relishing the process rather than the result
· Try a new food or spice. Just taking in a new experience with your sense of taste can open other areas of your mind
· Clean out one drawer, shelf, or corner of your home. We might not be able to do the big projects but tackling something small can give us a sense of accomplishment
· Light a candle, if it’s safe. A flame can be a symbol of transmutation
